dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
