He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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