I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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