We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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