I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
