When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
