Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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