its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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