I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
