I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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