I can feel you judging me through the phone.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
