I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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