So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
