Pregnant stripper...not hot.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
