i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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