i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
