Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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