Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
