My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
