Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
