so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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