Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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