my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
