LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
