I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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