the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
