I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
