That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
