OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
whose ass print is on the piano?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
