a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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