Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
