I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
