you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
