In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
