woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
