Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
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