I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
