i love accidental penises.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
