he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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