That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
