someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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