My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
