How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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