Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
