I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
