Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
