hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
This beer is not sobering me up at all
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
