OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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