It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
