Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Randomize
