just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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