I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
