his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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