Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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