I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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