party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
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He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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