remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
